Serendipity Strikes Again!

Walking into the new space that will become my studio, my head is racing with, "How am I going to get all of my stuff here? How am I going to set it up? And put together a show? And start the school year? And heal this body that has stuff going on with it? And get the house repaired?

I stumble on the only object in the room: a small slip of paper. It is a fortune cookie paper that reads:

Your energy returns and you get things done.

I Love the Universal messages that are sure to be only that clear.

The Top Ten

Ahhhhhh. It was so nice to take a pause from the computer. It was a break I so needed. In order to keep current, I have today the top 10 things that happened while I was on holiday. Drum roll, Mr. Letterman!

1. Bad news: I lost my art studio. The building owners shut down the area that houses my workspace to make room for a public events rental. Good news: Another artist in the building asked me to roomate with her in her studio! YEAH! We're moving in August.
2. Bad news: Termites! Good news: The cost is covered!
3. Bad news: I was told by my doctor I have a heart murmur. Good news: I got to see my heart on the cardiogram, and it is cute! I appreciate my body in a new way.
   
4. Bad news: I didn't post for one whole month. Good news: I took a vacation from electronics, and I have never had a better outlook about things. I realize how much flogging happens when I look at too many blogs.
5. Bad news: I was in the car for over 9 hours without radio reception. I thought I would die without music. Good news: I read the book Between Women and had many epiphanies about myself that will only help me in spite of the sting.
6. Bad news: NONE HERE! The family and I took a vacation to Estes Park, Colorado and went to The Rocky Mountain National Park. The air is sweet. The water is cool. And the view from the top of the mountains is amazing. I threw a snowball in July.
   
7. Bad news: It gets cold at night in the mountains. Good news: We got in the hot tub outdoors and hid from the bears!
8. Bad news: My Van was showing signs that it MIGHT be aging. Good news: I got a new car before I could find out!
9. Bad news: Paint was spilled all over my studio floor and carpet. Good news: It was spilled because I taught my first week long art camp for girls and it was fun!
10. Bad news: I am hard on myself and considered not doing the art show in the fall. Good news: I made a list of things I would tell myself if I didn't and that got the ball rolling again. I even sent some emails today to get some things done!
    

Catch You on the Flipside

For the next few weeks some much needed vacation time will be enjoyed here.
I will catch you on the flipside. (How old do you have to be to know what the flipside of a 45 is?)

Tender Tookie

My nickname growing up was Tookie. It is a name I still hold dear, especially when my Hubby and Miniswirl call me that, or when my nieces call me Tookie.

I am not sure why my father started calling me that, and I never had a chance to ask him. But my hypothesis is that the name came from the tookie bird in Hawaii, as the call of the bird sounds like my laugh. The other option is that there is a reformed gang member named Tookie, but that doesn't seem to fit even though I have this rough street side (as I lived in my car for a short while and I can rap like a fierce white girl :0)

But I need to take a moment and honor this little Tookie. She has been feeling strongly lately, and my inner artist needs tender care as well. They play nice together and keep each other company.

And this sculpture project I am working on is a conversation between my old, wise self and my younger selves. I have been calling her up to put parts of her in this artwork, and she is so sweet and in need of nurturing. It is quite the process. I honor her and keep her sacred.

1987

Happy Anniversary, Hubby!

Seeing all of the t-shirts walking around lately have 1987 printed on them, reminds me that this is the year we met and it still feels like just a few days ago. I was instantly ga-ga over you, and I still am.

We have been married for 14 years and together 12 more, and it still is not enough time with you. When we are together, it is as if time doesn't move. We always run out of time to talk, to spend together, and it is seamless.

My eyes still widen and my heart feels faster when I see you. It can be across a parking lot, or after you have made a joke at dinner, or you putting pants on your head to make our daughter laugh, I am so happy to have you as the one I get to build this life with.

Grow Old with You-Adam Sandler from the Wedding Singer I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad Carry you around when your arthritis is bad All i wanna do is grow old with you I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches Build you a fire if the furnace breaks Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you I'll miss you I'll kiss you Give you my coat when you are cold I'll need you I'll feed you Even let ya hold the remote control So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink I could be the man who grows old with you I wanna grow old with you

Emotions Are Not Set in Stone

These faces in my garden remind me that feelings do not have to be permanent. In fact, emotions may not be accurate sometimes. In A New Earth, it was a great lesson for me to learn that emotions are products of interpretation of a situation, maybe not even the situation at all, but the way I view a situation.

And this week my journal writing reminds me that I have parts of me that I am scared to express, rather than being so unhappy like I thought I was. I am not unhappy, just fearful.

So my running my body around a school track is more than symbolic. I am doing the very thing I have always told myself I cannot do...run. I could only run 30seconds at a time at first. And now I am running and walking alternate laps for two miles.

And thinking in terms of The Artist's Way with my other fears, it is imperative that I start slow so that I may gain momentum. I must nurture myself and keep my dreams safe and sacred if I am to grow in them. Did I mention the school track in inset on a hill and surrounded by trees? Safe. And so should be my other dreams.

Chuckle Twice Tuesday

It made perfect sense to me that you could Incorporate something like rehabilitation!!!

A little chuckle fits the occasion...tee-hee.

Another item that made me chuckle is uttering the words "One-Syllable Maffia" when I was describing a person of few words. It's great when you crack yourself up!

What made you laugh today?

Focus on Magic 21

Photo from our San Diego trip last year...sniff sniff.

Today is May 21. I started blogging one year ago. It was just something I felt I should do.
Reading my first entry makes me feel like life is such a wonderful journey.

I have come a long way and done many things through this time.
And this weekend I felt called to saying "Yes" when asked if I would bring art therapy to incarcerated teens from a woman in the workshop I was leading. We will see what happens.

Oddly enough, or not if you believe in serendipity, the woman who I mentioned bought my first painting crossed paths with me this week. She told me that she hung the painting in her bathroom and enjoys it every morning with the same intensity as when she first bought it. She approached me with the sentence, "I don't know if you remember me, but..."
I wanted to tell her I would never forget her face and that day, but I couldn't get out the words.

This is exactly what I needed to happen. I have been pondering the Artist Way's mention of the creative U-turn and giving up my art studio, as rent has gone up. I feel dried up at the end of a school year, and I am nervous about the art show this fall. I want to say just forget all of it, but I know that won't get me anywhere but frustrated with myself.

Deep breath. Focus. There is more work and play to be done. The idea of putting fliers around town to gather an Artist's Way group has crossed my mind. I will just get through this week of school and then think about it some...

No matter what I know that I will be ok. Everything works itself out in the way it is meant to be.

WhEEt-WhOO!

This photo is so funny, and it was just happenstance. That is what makes it so great!

This week has been really hard, and so I have wanted to avoid posting in such a mood. Do I really want to document how hard things have been? Do people really want to hear this stuff, anyways?

The funeral was tolerable. To make a long story short, I felt like a stranger in a room of people that were family. The real clear message I walked away with was that my father grew up in this town of 400 people and moved into a city of 20,000. Then as I grew up and went on my own path, I ended up in a city with over 300,000. The lifestyles, the experiences, thought processes and the growth that happens with all of those things made me feel like I have found the life I was meant to find, and I thank all the choices made by my father. I am sure he would be proud and joyful that his daughter is doing well in this kind of world.

When I asked my journal what I should do to prepare and get through all of this, the answer was to see the blanket of silence that surrounds every event in life. Notice the quiet that exists right over the traffic noise. Notice the quiet over the heads of those who are in mourning. Notice the feeling that you are separate from what you are doing.

I concentrated this whole week to see if I could accomplish that. Oh, 50/50. Not bad.
And I also realize that I need to laugh and play a whole lot more than what I am doing now.

The side effect that I did not ever expect, is that I started running. Yes, that is right. The girl who hates to run started running. Just 60 seconds at a time, but running. I am in awe of this because ever since I can remember, I have avoided running. I even signed up for a three hour aerobic-a-thon, but you could not catch me pounding myself into the pavement via rubber soled shoes!
We will see what comes of this. A miracle worth mentioning.

I am off this morning to teach a body-casting workshop and am in dire need of the Latte.
May the Force be with you.

Happy Mother's Day

Miniswirl's Photo Shoot using her beautiful ideas!

Beginning the day in the shower was symbolic.
The soap made billowing bubbles on my belly.
Normally the window in the shower bothers me, but not today.
The sunlight lit those bubbles into iridescence and reminded me that
my belly is where my daughter began...
That is where I made the choice that my life would be different for hers.

The day was so simple and long and full of love.
I have enjoyed every moment.
I feel fortunate to have my family shower me with love and appreciation.
And the best part is that I was open enough to let it all in.

I called my mom, too. My friend Teri told me once to thank my mom for bringing me into this world. So I did that today.

And I honor all of those people for whom this day is difficult for an array of reasons.
Happy Mother's Day.

It's all a B.S.

Photo by Hubby

Currently, it seems as if my life really isn't happening. This week there have been more events that feel too painful. A student at school stopped breathing and her heart stopped. She is ok now thanks to the collective actions of many people. But the event was scary and made me think about life all over again. Who is important to me? Do I tell them enough?

And there has been another death this week, a family member. My aunt was the only aunt on my father's side that I had any sort of relationship with in the past. My little girl does not want to go back to that town and face all of these family members who forgot I was here after the death of my father. I need to pay respect to her and my cousin, who is all alone. Both of her parents are gone and her only sister died as well. I will attend that funeral early next week. All of my little girl stuff will show up, I'm sure.

And then a separate event, I took a risk and inquired about a local artist support group. They told me with 10 members they were full, but I could keep calling back, as one member will be moving soon@!*^? What? I thought a support group supported each other?

So in steps what I call the B.S. The dreaded Belief System default.

My thoughts instantly revert back to "Am I attracting this stuff? Nobody wants me... there is something wrong with me... if they really loved me they would accept me for who I am now...there is no place for me... I'm doomed to be alone...bla bla bla." These Belief Systems are not true. Just B.S.

So I give myself the 10 minutes of feeling sorry for myself in the shower. I feel sad, angry, lost, and afraid.

And now I am going to honor putting some space around those feelings and allowing them to come up and be near me, and not consume me. One thing I have learned about pain, is that it is what comes before the growth.

I am going to take the B.S. and hold it up to the light and let it dissolve. I am going to do that by taking some time out today. My wish is to go for a long walk with the ipod, get a coffee, and sit in my fold up chair in the middle of the woods with my magic journal. I will make sure to take tissues. If I cry as much as I feel like crying, I might be back by summer. Sometimes it seems like being healthy is so much harder than burying my head in the sand.

So I am going to let my journal do it's thing. I am going to ask open ended questions and wait for answers. This plea for help always provides.

Disentegration-Dos

Back in February, The Disintegration Project began when artists from all over joined Seth Apter and created bundles left in the elements to let nature do what she would like with them.

The way the project was set in motion here was using select papers sewn to a fabric garden flag, and then writing and paint were used to finish the intention of the piece. I treated this piece like a Tibetan Prayer Flag, and placed my wishes on the flag in hopes the wind would carry this prayer around the world. When the flag has broken down, the prayer is heard.

I am shocked to find that after snow storms, a near tornado, many rain showers, that some of the papers remain intact???? These were papers I took from sacred book sources and it may be that there was a coating on these pages. These papers were sewn as well, so the holes would lead to water breaking them down. I am fighting feeling disappointed that it is such a state. I was looking forward to further erosion.

The image of my Dream House did in fact fade away and "melt" some...I guess a house would need to come first on the wish list!

So on to the next phase... everybody who wishes to will create a new artwork using some or all of the disintegrated materials in their bundles. The next reveal planned is for Saturday August 1.

I think I will start a new bundle in motion as well as use parts from the first half.
This is just what I needed to get my mind off of all the heavy stuff going on.

Inspiration

April 23, 2009

behind you...

one from long ago, down on the bike path ~ mamiya 645d

she would often say to me:

"dont forget to take a look back at the trail you are leaving behind..."

is it one of love
is one of bitterness
is one of goodness
is it one of anger?
is it a path filled with adventure
or one caked with fear?
is it a path riddled with regret
or one decorated with peaceful assurance? "

This entry was from Jen Gray. After I read it, I cried my eyes out.

If All Truth Be Told, this last week has been emotionally difficult for me. There was a death of someone I know and it effected me hard. It had me questioning if I can make any difference for the experience of those around me. I wish I would have known what was going on in her head.

I have been angry, and sad and grumpy and quiet.

And then someone asked in casual conversation if they remembered it correctly that I had a not-so-normal childhood? How did I make it out so 'normal'?

The thirteen year old me came running as soon as she heard those words. She wanted this woman I was speaking to to scoop us up in her arms and let us cry it all out....until it ran out.

So when I read Jen's words in her entry, it was the first time I had ever thought about the idea of leaving a trail. When I paused long enough to reflect, I was in awe of my own trail for the first time in my life. I can see that this life I am lucky enough to live is full of wonderment. This life holds so much power that can be harnessed.

If I were to put words around what I see when I look behind, I am leaving a path of bright transformation. I have taken all of the ugly and unfortunate events of my early life and I have walked through thick brush. All of the scratches left behind, I am tending to them. I wrap up the hurtful experiences in love and present that healing is possible. I am in amazement that most of the time, I can forget how awful the first half of my life was. Most of the time I feel happy. And I am learning that it is ok that from time to time, that I still need to mourn. That downtime is necessary to walk this way.

I honor the little girl who lost her father. She switched schools. Lost her friends. Grew up in a house that was filthy and had no food and full of cigarette smoke. Mom was gone looking for men. The phone and electricity was cut off often. She was abused. Neglected. Raped. Left to fend for herself. She covered it all up with doing well in school and working so hard in jobs before and after school. She was successful and no one came to watch school plays, or teacher conferences, or Graduation.

And now that girl uses those experiences everyday dealing with kids and remembering how she felt before she speaks and acts with them. She gives things she did not have to those around her. She makes sure that kids at school who feel all alone know that they are not alone. She even led a lost man to the interstate the other day and saved her lunch for later. That She is Me.

Somehow, I have managed keep going. There is this deep force in me that knows I am here for a reason.

So why is it that I can remember all of the negative things that have been said or done, but I have to strike up a brain freeze for a compliment?I will keep working with this.

I am so grateful to have read Jen's entry, and I am going to make a ritual of looking at my path every evening. I honor that.

A Week, Indeed

This last week has been so full...
The delight of the week was attending an event at a local child abuse intervention center where Miniswirl's art was selected to hang for the next year.

The center uses children's art to help the kids that are brought there feel more at home. It is a place where interviews, medical exams, and police reports are all done when a child is being abused. It gave me great joy to see that Miniswirl's art will be used this way. And it has profound meaning to me considering where I came from, knowing my daughter will not need these kinds of services.

And the best part is that Miniswirl is an artist in her own right. Her art was one of six selected in her school...a tear in Mama's eye bursting with pride! You go, girl!

Then there has been the other faucets to life this week. The school year is coming to a close with 19 days left, and the kid's hormones are crazy and many of them have checked out. The eighth graders are getting their fear of high school and are clingy for the first time all year. It is the time of year that requires so much patience and energy, I come home exhausted. Clean? Cook? Ha!

And then there is the subject of my Mom.
She had an update visit with her doctors this week, and she still has masses on the brain, as well as her lymph nodes and lungs. The way she tells the story, she is in full remission and is "normal". The way the doctor said it is that she still has cancer, and it is not going away. She is still in stage IV.

Even though our past is so hurtful, it is so hard to watch this process.
My heart forgives her, and my inner child wishes so hard for things to be different. But that is not an option for us.

I had her over for dinner last week, and for the first time EVER, she actually put her hand on my back in a loving way. I totally flinched, as my body knows to protect me from her. It was such a time warp trip in my mind. I had an instant flash to all of the times she hit me, or dominated me, and my head did not compute this gesture of love from her.

I felt bad for flinching. And the adult in me recognized that she saw me as the woman of my own home that day. I could tell she saw me as a child all grown up, and a person she has missed out on.

She only stayed about an hour, and then she abruptly excused herself and went home. I think she is doing more processing of life than she is willing to let on. The family motto is "Let's Not Talk About Anything Ever." But I can see through that.

Then there is my art life. I have had a great time making and mailing my art for the Create It Forward project. I am working on two pieces for former students who invited me to their graduations this year ( TOTALLY awesome to see ) and then one black and white drawing for a man who lost his brother three years ago. He wanted a portrait of his brother riding his bike, as he used to ride in marathons.

Next week is Open House at my art studio building. I am not ready and am not going to panic....
And I have to decide this week if I am going to participate in the first Annual Squam Art Show.
Oh, decisions decisions. My head is full.

I am so glad that I can vent on this blog-o-mine, and I thank you kindly if you have read this far!!!!! Even though my life is busy, and I am grateful I have a full one.

Stabilization

The Broken Stabilization Bar in the ol' 1988 Van

A seemingly uneventful day has turned into transformational one.

I noticed a noise in the car and checked it out. And here is the photo of what was found...
the broken bar that keeps the van stable while turning wildly (as if there is ever wild Minivan driving going on hehe)

Hubby looked it up on the internet, and yes the car is still drivable while we wait for the part to get shipped out to us. Huh. No panic involved. Awesome. That's new. A one hour t.v. show kind of solution.

So I sit down for movie-in the mail night. I rented Eckhart Tolle's Flowering of Human Consciousness to boost my Ohmness. And what do I hear?

That the tension I feel lately is caused by the root thought that "I am not enough".
By striving to look for myself in the future, in search of a definition of who I am after I have finally grown enough, or learned all I need to learn, or accomplished something huge, become a part of something big...all of that is robbing me of the peace I could have now.

If I look inside of me for a definition of who I am ( the spritual 'me') that is enough. I don't need to look any further. I don't need all of the other roles in my life for a label to slap on this package.

As soon as that hit me, I felt as if someone pulled the plug out of a stopped up drain. Flow.

Just like my van, I can drive around with a broken stabilization bar just fine and not know. A bumpy, swirvy ride, but I can still get to a destination.

But I think I may enjoy the ride more if there is that brace there to keep me even through it all.

Website Makeover-SB Edition

"Contact Me" image from the new look on the Website.

After a long month of work and revamping, the new website designed by Angelwing Imaging is up and running. I am totally in love.
Not only did we work together well to create a tailored look, but the designer is pretty cute, too.

After 14 years of being married, he still melts me...

Happity-Hoppity Easter

Eggs handmade by my Miniswirl

Happy Easter!

Signs of Spring Evading Electronics

Miniswirl and her best friend were at our house, and they kept telling me how BORED they were.

" Can we play Wii? Can we play on the computer? Can we watch a movie?"

No. No. And No. I said. It is 50 degrees and is going to be the nice day of the week. I told them to get out their jackets and water bottles, and we were going on a Nature Walk.

I took them on a hike. And in the middle of the worn out woods, we saw a blue field of Spring.
Hope has arrived!!! Arrived in a shade of azul!

And then we hiked the rest of the way and found a place to eat lunch.

They collected berries, and flowers, and we saw beavers, and geese...

Nature is where the best entertainment is.

Create it Forward

Brave People Make Things so get excited and make things....

The first five (5) people to respond to this post will get something made by me.
This offer does have some restrictions and limitations so please read carefully:

1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make. Whatcha get is whatcha get.

2. What I create will be just for you, with love.

3. It'll be done this year (2009).

4. I will not give you any clue what it's going to be. It will be something made in the real world and not something cyber. It may be weird or beautiful. Or it may be monstrous and annoying. Heck, I might bake something for you and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!

5. I reserve the right to do something strange.

6. In return, all you need to do is post this text on your blog and make 5 things for the first 5 to respond to blog.

7. Send your mailing address - after I contact you.

IMPORTANT: This offer is null and void if I do not see you post your own blog to pay this forward.

This text was used from www.thecreativejar.blogspot.com.
Play nice and make things! It's going to be an adventure!

Within Reach

It can be true that everything I want, I already have.
It is all there, just waiting for me to see, touch, feel, believe...take hold.

I watch.

I listen.

I smile and know the colors I see were made with me in mind.
There is no hurry to gather it all.
Everything has my name on it, and no two souls want to hold the exact same thing.
There is enough to go around.

Today...

Today....I am resting
and working
and walking toward a good day.
There is an Easter Egg hunt
studio time
and coffee to go wherever I am going.
I like the today I am having.
It is full of things I haven't seen yet.

Reflection and Deflection

Last night I was telling a friend how alone I feel lately, that I have needs that are new, and I don't know where to look to find what I need, so I have been trying new things.

She asked me if it was evident to anyone that I had these needs, Do I let on that I need something?

It hit me like a tone of bricks that the answer is No. No I don't let anyone see that I need something. Tearfully, no.

Haunting me to this day is the day I left home for college. My mom said to me, "You are going to fall flat on your ass. When you do, don't come to me. I aint givin' you shit!" Yip. A quote.

I still battle this old ghost that I am supposed to have everything I need or I have failed. And if I fail, Mom gets to be right. I don't want to be worthless. So I would find it way too scary to speak up and let people know how much I am hurting in here at times. I would rather ride the storm then ask for help, figuring things will get better.

So here I go again out to the woods with a lantern and and old map, determined that I can find my way.

Then she asked me, "Who has always been there for you throughout your whole life?"

My answer was a quiet, solid whisper..."I have. I have always been there for me."

She replied, "Yes, you have always been there to meet yourself. Can you trust that others would too?"

The truth? I don't know. But I hope to find out.

Sunday Sunshine

Good Morning. Me and Miniswirl woke up today and ate muffins in the sunshine in the middle of the living room floor. That is where the best light is, you know. And then we took breakfast to bed where the sleepy Hubby was catching up from the week.

Off to the studio I go to get some good time in today. It has been a whole seven days and I can tell. I will breathe in the art air.

This next week is so busy, our family has something every night of the week. I will need to remember to take a few moments like this morning to make the week enjoyable.

All it takes is a little noticing of what it around you...I am surrounded by beauty.The kind of beauty that is Unspeakable.

Movin' Right Along

Here are a few images of what is new at the studio. Pardon the lighting:)

Photos one and two are images of what I am calling the chair project. I have taken three wooden chairs and I am altering the surface of the wood with wood burning and pigment. The project is in it's beginning stages.

All three chairs are one installation I am calling "Conversations with Myself". Each of the three chairs is going to represent a different aged me. One will be my innocent artist child. One is my teenage self. And the third will be my wise elder self.

So this chair is the teenage self. One arm of the chair reads "fight" and the other "flight". The back of the chair states, "Without love she wilted". There is a rose theme around it. On the inside of the chair back will be a stage curtain pulled back and a photo of my high school self. There are three medallions on each side of the curtain to represent my coping strategies growing up. Music, theater, work, school, my car, and a plan for college.

There are vines that come out of that area and lead down to the arms of the chair.

I am so excited about this project, and it seems to be bigger than I thought it would be, one chair requiring over 50 hours already, and I feel it won't be ready for a few more sessions of work. Well worth it, though.

And the last photo is another 5" square art work that is one of many that I have been experimenting with. Since attending Squam last year, I have been playing with different media on these 5" squares. I will hang them all on a wire and call them my "Dirty Laundry".

It felt good this last weekend to finally feel like it is going to be ok, having my first solo show this fall. I feel like it will be much work, ok a hell of a lot of work to get ready, but I feel like it is reachable. Doable. Possible.

I am 32 flavors and then some..taking my chances as they come...I am nobody but I am someone.

Patterns

Pattern: a set of reliable sample traits, acts, tendencies,
or other observable characteristics of a person

What is your pattern?

The Luck O'De Eyerash

luck- a force that brings good fortune or adversity

A blessing to be found in both, mey good man!

Trying to Grow

My Hubby asked me today to come up with new information for my website, it is time for a make over. I am exited. And then...

"So, Jacqueline, why do you make art? What kind of artist are you?" I hear as the lady with the perfume walks by.

I'M THINKIN" ALREADY! I'M THINKIN"!

There is so much shifting going on that it is hard to keep up with myself.
My heart feels the words but my mind is afraid to thrust any noise out of my mouth.
If I say it out loud, will my wish be granted?

It is time to hit the Morning Pages and work The Artist's Way some more.

Perfume

Today I spent some time in the Downtown area and visited three art galleries in the Old Market.
Last weekend I went to one in the Benson area. What I am noticing is that there is a whole-lotta' space between where I am and where I would need to be to have enough inventory of my art to be prepared for retail. Some artists had work in all locations I visited. I don't even think I could make that possible without making myself crazy. I don't know if that is even what I want.

I felt like I was a little girl looking up at a full-grown lipstick wearing beauty wondering how I was ever going to look like that! With her high heels and perfume, eyes follow her as she glides across the crosswalk. I watch her as she disappears down the street.

"So, Jacqueline, tell me about your art... wink-wink....what do you do?"

Hell, I am not sure I am ready to answer that for the public yet.

All I know is that my art is for my spirit. I put things there that I can't say any other way. My art is a sacred thing for me, right now, and I am not sure I am ready to market it for retail yet. Is my safe place for sale? I get comments from people who like what I make, but that is in a small corner of the world.

And then I remembered how far I have come in my life and in my art. I have come so far that it would be more self-abuse to not honor that I am right where I am supposed to be. Each flower that has bloomed for me needs noticing. I am proud of myself. I will grow in the way I am supposed to. It is inevitable.

I wonder what perfume she was wearing...

Time to Rise Above

Rise Above, 36' x 48", Mixed Media
This is a painting of mine made in response to Up to the Roof by Blue Man Group.
"Time to make this climb, to rise above."

Up to the Roof

Almost one year after hearing this song for the first time, I still get goosebumps.

All I see is not for me.
What I want you have not got.
Tried to use things you sold me, no matter what the cost
Tried to go the way you told me, but each time, I got lost
The stairs didn't lead me anywhere!
I'm taking the fire escape up to the roof.
Don't care if it's not the way you find the truth.
Time to make this right: to rise above.
This room and all of you
Who say I should do like you would
Tried to live the life you sold me, no matter what the cost.
Tried to walk the way you told me, but each time I got lost
The stairs didn't lead me anywhere!
I'm taking the fire escape up to the roof.
Don't care if it's not the way you find the truth
And when I get up that high, I don't know what I'll find
But I'd rather look at the sky than wonder why I let you take my time
Time to make this right: to rise above.
I'm taking the fire escape up to the roof.
Don't care if it's not the way you find the truth
And when I get up that high, I don't know what I'll find
But I'd rather look at the sky than wonder why I let you take my time.
Time to make this right: to rise above.
Time to make this right: to rise above

Art is...

"...life. Because without art my life would be nothing."
"...an adventure. You don't know what it's gonna be until you're finished."
"...whatever I decide is art. It is up to me."
"...emotions that come out of my pencil."
"...inspiration. It explains the unexplainable."

This is what my eighth grade students wrote today on their exit slips that said "Art is..."
The thing that took my breath away is that these are the same kids who give me the Ferris Buhler look when I ask questions of the class. I am touched all the way to the center today to know that I am getting to them. I am spreading the fever!

After school was over, I had a visit from a student who has not been in my class for a year and a half. He asked if he could come and hang out and paint. I asked him if he had any other after school activities that would fill up his schedule. He said no. He told me he just wants to do something fun that would keep him from having to go home. He doesn't want to go home.
I asked him if he was all alone after school. He said yes, until his mom got home, and that was the problem.

This boy is a great student and is never in trouble. Just like I was at his age. I told him to come in and paint any time he wanted. Anytime. Art is the protection I can offer from abuse, gangs, and drugs. This day is what I needed to remind me that I am in the right place. Here. Home.

Talk Like A Bee Gees Day

Huey a ba Day tooooo tall lie a Bea Jaay Daay!!!
To dayy es da dayyyy. Ha ah haa haaaa.
No Jiiiive Taallinkin'!
Gibbs r cool innnn da goooold paaaant.
Do dodo do doody doot doo.....haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
I'm Barry F'in Gibb!

Gooey in the Middle

The last few days I have been practicing refrain from complaining. No matter how bad I want to I don't . Guess what. Life is better that way. Are there things worth complaining about? Sure. If I want to continue compulsively complaining. It has become a habit, really.

What the silence is teaching me is that I complain a lot. And so I have been not saying anything, or saying something I need to say in positive phrasing. It is so much better.

Like this morning I needed to call a parent of a student and report he had called two students horrible things and threatened to beat up a girl. I made sure I told the mom that I really enjoyed her son, which I DO, and that I was looking to use this as a time to teach right from wrong. Instead of just sending him to administration with a referral, I sat him down and had him write an apology to each of the students he wronged. I thought he would disintegrate on the spot!

I would only hope the universe and the people in it would have compassion for my outbursts. So I am giving this kid a chance to fix it before I send him to the Office. That is right, capital O Office.

I just want to add more joy to my life, really. You know the kind where the smallest of things feel so good. And that only happens when I put all thinking aside and enjoy what is. What you focus on, grows!

Tell it to Your Sistas

Lately, I have been wondering what this blog is...who is it for....why do I write it, why do I read other blogs?

I started this blog as a place to go to put my thoughts and feelings with pictures, and record my life as it happens. I don't want to sell anything, or prove anything. I just need a place to put things that feels safe.

I started reading other blogs to see how other creative people live. I was just starting a creative journey and needed a vision of what is possible out there outside of good ol' Omaha, Nebraska. And I was in search for a sense of community of creative people that work together instead of competition.

And what I am noticing is that I also need a sense of honesty. I need to write honestly and I need to read the honest story no matter how messy. It helps me to see it all. It helps me to see the whole me.

And I write this at a time when I still feel much inbetween-ness in every aspect of my life. I am still experiencing many growing pains. I am in search of myself and a world I fit into. I have a few friends who get this creative force that flairs in the life of an artist, and they all live across the country. Or in other countries!!! I am feeling like I live a double life.

I walk around in my work environment feeling guarded and protective of my spirit, as there are many energy vultures that live there. I get put down for being creative and driven by my peers. I go to the studio and have to protect myself from peoople's insecurities that like to belittle anyone who is seen as a threat. It doesn't feel safe or right around here.

But then I have these great people that get me that I can talk to on the phone, or email, or mail-art back and forth with, and I know there is another community of artitsts that exist and I am still trying to find that here. Where are they? I want to go out to dinner, or to coffee, or set up a collaboration art project, or an artist's circle...let's hang out.

I am a true believer of A Reason for Everything. I can be patient and let life unfold....but I must say I am in pain over this one. I am tired of waiting. I feel lonely. I feel like I am learning and growing and changing and risk-taking and I am ready to meet a tribe. I am ready to have beautiful people around me.

Now, there is no You Tube video to link to here, or a sound bite that goes well with this message, but it feels like I have to say it or I will explode. I am ready to meet beautiful souls who get me. Thank heavens for long distance and postage stamps and blogger! That is what is saving my life right now. And the people that I have connected with are those beautiful souls! I am thankful you are who you are. We need other people to survive and flourish.

Disintegration: Nature as a Partner

Disintegration- to break or separate into constituent elements or parts

How interesting it is to create art and see what nature can do with it.
After reading about this art project on The Altered Page, I instantly knew I wanted to take part. I have taken maps and pages from sacred books to use as my paper source here. One of the pages had the heading, "The Graciousness of Uncertainty". I surely can use some of that!

I treated this project with the same intention of the Buddhist Prayer flag, and recycled an old garden flag as the base. I hand stitched some maps of Coronado Island and the San Diego/Lajolla/Torrey Pines area of California. I traced places I have actually been with the stitches of the needle and thread, remembering my travels as I sewed it together. I sent wishes of a home through the thread as I attached an image of my dream home into the pocket of the map of Coronado. I imagined riding my bike to the grocery store there. It was a great day in my mind.

Adding to the paper maps and writings, I painted a bird of Hope, and wrote a journal entry onto the flag releasing certainty. I do know for certain that I am supposed to be there. But I have no earthly clue how I could ever afford to live in California and make the geographical move, knowing no one there. I have to let go of trying to figure it all out, as it can be so painful sometimes, this wishing.

I went to the San Diego area about four years ago and knew instinctively that I would live there someday. I returned again this last summer and solidified this gut feeling again. But somehow I know there are things I am supposed to learn before I get there. How do I know this? Beats me. Just do.

So I am sending out my prayers in the form of this disintegration project that the uncertainty can not only be gracious, but a joy. When the flag is worn out and broken down, The Buddhists believe the prayer has been around the world and found its way to the heavens to be an answered prayer.

So on May 1st, I will again post images of this flag to see what nature may do to it. All the other artists participating will post that day as well. The list of artists participating can be found at The Altered Page.

'stU-deE-,O

Today I am going to head to the studio and work on a project. I am going into this with a heart that is sending out a message to the Universe that I would like to be near the ocean when the Universe is ready to send me.
I have had this fire in my heart for YEARS, and as time goes on, the roots to where I am are loosening, like a transplanted rose bush. I know it is not time just now, but it is getting closer. There is a reason for everything, and I let go of the timing.

Love Now

On the dining room table is a reminder that the answer to all my suffering is simple: Love.

On Valentine's weekend, it is good to remember that there is more than just romantic love, but love for those close to your heart and for the strangers that you have never even met.

And I am just beginning to practice loving those people I view as wrong for whatever reason my ego labels them as wrong. The best definition of forgiveness I have ever heard is that to forgive is to 'look through' or overlook. The best love I can practice is allowing people to be just the way they are.

I have a long way to go....

Art from the Heart

In honor of Valentine's Day on the horizon, here is a give-away from my heart to yours.
Mixed media on canvas skewered with a beloved pencil!

The canvas with red is titled 'The Healing Current".
The primarily black canvas is titled "The Truth is Always There".

Please leave a comment to enter. There will be a winner for each canvas.
The winner will be selected in a random drawing and chosen by Miniswirl!
We will draw on Valentine's Day.
Enjoy!

Why Do Birds Sing

DarING-o Flamingo

Yesterday I was shopping at a craft store and saw a quote that filled me up.

"A bird does not sing because he has the answers. A bird sings because he has a song."

This is so good for me to remember. My art does not need to be anything but my song. I do not need to be anything but my song. How relieving. I only need to perch on a branch and belt it out.

In order to know what tune I would like to carry, I have been going back to the Morning pages of writing three pages of anything each morning. I even woke up wayyyy early and took myself to breakfast before work this week once. It was nice to be out before the rest of the city woke up at 5:30 am. I took my journal and it was peaceful.

I asked my pen what to write, and I found myself planning the summer art camp for girls activities. They are going to be wonderful. We are going to explore using a journal to express feelings both descriptively and visually. We are going to learn how to draw portraits and use colors to express mood and personality. There will be a nature day where we collect items we find and collage in the journal with layers of pictures and words, paint and nature. Then we are going to paint rocks with positive affirmations and leave them in a public park on walking trails so passer-byes can enjoy them, or take them. And on the final day, the girls are going to come dressed as Superstars, and perform as if they were on American Idol. We will then draw ourselves as Superstars and paint a final portrait using the information they learned through the week. Photos will be taken on that last day and sent home! If I were 9 years old, I would want to go!

So this week I will work on registration forms and getting the emails sent. Whew! Thanks, magic pen! The pen was $3.00. The journal was $8.00. Morning Pages: Priceless.

The Virtue Trap de jour

Everything is just fine... so why do I keep bursting into tears every time I get a quiet moment?

Knowing what I know about how I work, the answer is always inside. To get to it, I have to go to the places inside where it is dark and there are funny noises. Introspection. A self-portrait of the heart. It is always a journey that feels good in the end. Right?

So I take myself to a little nook in a cozy coffee place, and I get out my Artist's Way book. I just as well start referring to it as my Creative Gospel according to Julia. I close my eyes and I ask for the answer to my question, "Why do I keep crying?"

I open the page to what a whisper tells me is the right page and I start reading. I landed on page 96, where my eyes go directly to the words virtue trap. OK. I reread it, and I read on. The information is about how as artists, we need alone time, and that we can explain away not taking that time because of our service to others. If we continue to do that, we get angry, and stopped up and we give up ourselves. We become empty shells. We turn away from our true selves. The disapproval we felt as young creatives feeds into the idea that by taking time to be playful and creative, we are being selfish.

And then a question I have faced before, is standing in front of me again. "Are you being self-destructive?"

I start boo-hooing right there in the cozy coffee shop. In the last two weeks, I have not been to my studio. I have done some art, but not in solitude. I have had that nasty salmonella for five flippin' days, and I had a hard time believing I was THAT sick, even after not being able to eat for three days. I felt guilty for taking time off of work, and taking a break from a girl scout meeting. I keep going when I am tired. Parent teacher conferences are here. Grades are due. I have committee meetings I have to be at. My little girl artist is loading up a plastic spoon full of paint and is getting ready to throw it at me because she is left all alone too many days in a row. She wants to play.

And then comes the really hard part. I ask myself, "Is that all that is bothering you?"

My pen starts to write, "That is not even the beginning. I need Squam-like friends here at home. I am so incredibly, pitifully, lonesome for art sisters. No one gets me." I have to pause even putting these words down now. I need creative souls who see me in my daily life. I am so tired from being around the energy drain people around work and at the art studio, I can't hardly take it anymore. As I dig deeper, it is also a reason I don't want to go to the studio so much. The people in the space are crazymakers!

So the only solution is to go into the Def con 5, Security Code Red Self-Protection Mode. I must put my energy into lock down and surround it with Secret Service men who work out a lot. And then I can be free to dream and create.

So I am going to start with the forbidden Joys exercise. Here are some things I would love to do but I am not allowed to do:

1. Screw work. Quit my job today.
2. Cuss at whomever I want to when I want to. I am always too nice.
   
3. Travel somewhere for no reason.
4. Buy a home on the coast of California ( a song was on the radio at the coffee shop today about sweet California, it's where I want to be...hum along)
5. Shine as bright as I can and not have people cower
6. Make a mess and not clean it up.
7. Leave everything and everyone for one month and just make art and journal about what I learn about myself.
8. Make tour de Squammie Sisters on an airplane and visit all the people I miss. That would include Canada.
9. Interview homeless people about where they have been and what they have learned.
10. Walk up to people I would like to know and start talking to them.

What would you put on your Forbidden Joys list?

Tomorrow I am going to ask the Morning Pages what else I need to know....